Grapefruits, the Adventure 5: Total Divas!
by AlKaholiK
Summary: It's chapter 8 tonight! Some girls went shopping, others are explaining rivalries, while still others are trying to get out of a zoo. It's...nuts. hope you enjoy!
1. The Mission

Disclaimer: For YEARS now, I haven't owned shit. And guess what? I STILL don't.

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_**A/N-Aaaaahhhhhh…it feels good to be BACK! Hell, even if it IS on a part-time basis. Now, before anyone reminds me—I know that the LAST adventure was supposed to be the lastONE, but, just like on my profile, I said that I was done writing— well, I lied about THIS, too. I hope you don't mind. It's been 2 years since I last posted anything here, and I honestly haven't watched a RAW or SmackDown taping in at least 4 years, but thanks to Yahoo, I was able to do a quick "catch up" on current WWE events and stars. So, that being said, I'd like to continue the lineage that is the "Adventure" series. Only THIS time, it'll be all divas! Why? Glad you asked—it's because it's the first "adventure" USING all divas and, second, it's because 'da' DIVAS are kinda' cool, and lately I've been watching that show "Total Divas" and I don't think it's half-bad, actually. Just so you know, this story will only be LOOSELY based on the TV show. My plot WON'T coincide with theirs-well, MAYBE once or twice. And, I won't have ALL the same characters, either. So, for those who have read and were fans of the other 4 adventures, you guys already know how this works. So, here we go!**_

* * *

In Hershey, PA, at the Giant Center, Vince is in his office sweating profusely. Once again, he overdosed on Cialis and now has a RAGING hard-on that's making his pants tight and uncomfortable; And it's also making him irritable—even more so than usual. He races over to his desk and buzzes his secretary, "Miss secretary, could you call in some of my DIVAS?"

The secretary replies, "Uh, is this for your traditional beer and porn run, sir?"

Vince answers, "Uh, yes it is."

The secretary asks, "Well, wouldn't you rather I call some superstars? I mean, Kane and Rey Mysterio are right around the corner doing tequila shots.

Vince forcefully says, "No! If I WANTED those knuckle-heads, I would've ASKED for them! Now CALL some of my divas!"

"Uh, ye-YES, Mr. McMahon! Right away!"

As the Secretary is calling the divas, HHH enters Vince's office.

HHH asks, "Hey pops, how's everything?"

Vince glares at HHH, hurriedly sitting down behind his desk and fearing that HHH will spot his "condition", answers, "DAMMIT Hunter! Don't you know how to KNOCK?"

HHH shrugs his shoulders innocently and says, "Geez, take it easy, man! I was just checking on ya'.

Vince sighs and says, "I'm sorry, Hunter. What do you want? I'm very busy right now.

HHH carefully asks, "Well, I was thinking, ummm…MAYBE—just MAYBE—I can have your permission to buy some…uh, beer and porn?"

Vince glares up at Hunter and answers, "Are you KIDDING me? You're married to my little PRINCESS! How DARE you EVER want to get that crap! It-it warps and poisons your MIND. You start to lose sight of what's REAL and what's sexually FAKE-get outta' here with that crap!"

HHH, with a bewildered expression on his face, asks, "But haven't you been doing that for YEARS, now?" I mean—years ago, you said you have 'grapefruits', well, why can't I have…'GAMEfruits'?"

Vince now can't think of anything else to come back with, "We-well…umm, that's because, well-I-I…you know what? NEVERMIND! "

There's silence in the room, now. A few moments pass and Vince suddenly smiles wide and says, "You know what, Hunter? Maybe I CAN help you out, AFTER all."

"Sure, whaddya' need, pops?"

Vince, STILL not standing up, simply rubs his hands together and says, "Hmm…what's going on between you and Stephanie?"

HHH sighs and rolls his eyes, "UGH, pop. This woman does NOTHING but EAT! We don't even have SEX anymore! At FIRST, things started out innocently enough. I mean, in the beginning, I used to let her take her potato chips and BBQ spare ribs to bed with her, but THEN, one thing led to another and instead of licking the BBQ sauce off of ME, she just started disregarding ME altogether and there'd be a fuckin' MOUNTAIN of food in our bed when I'd go to get ready for bed!"

Vince chuckles to himself a little.

Hunter asks, "What's so damn FUNNY?"

Vince shakes his head and answers, "You're just learning, son. But that's one of the TRADEMARKS of McMahon women! It's either peeing in the bed or EATING in the bed!—Hell, either way, you're fucked!"

Vince continued, "MY wife's issue is PEEING the bed. I'm thinking this may be a family issue, in fact. You see, Linda's MOTHER used to pee AND eat in the bed. Yeah, they start out just fine, no eating, only peeing in RESTROOMS, but after…Oh, I'd say about 5 years of marriage, they start to 'fall apart', so to say—sort of like and old Ford. Matter of fact, In MY case, it started out a lot sooner-Back when I was in college, I'd go over her house and her family would usually be in the middle of a rousing game of "guess that smell'—I don't even want to MENTION what her daddy used to have a habit of doing, but HE'D always be trying to get me to pull his finger!"

HHH smirks as Vince continues, "Let's just say that that family reunion back in 1994 when I had to share a room with his ass—let's just say that when I SHOULD'VE been waking up to the smell of FRIED eggs, I woke up to the smell of BOILED eggs—let's just leave it at THAT!"

HHH nods in amazement. Vince says, "Yeah, so kid—YOU'RE stuck with her, now! She's no longer eating US out of house and home! Best of luck with those food bills, HAHAHAAAA!"

HHH blinked twice, just thinking about what he wound up getting himself into—even after all these years of marriage. Hunter finally says, "Uh…you wanted me for something?

Vince smirks and says, "Since I'm passing the reigns to you eventually, I want YOU to tell the Divas to get me my beer and porn."

HHH, confused, asks, "But didn't you just say that it was wrong—"

Vince snaps and pounds his desk as HHH jumps a little, "NEVERMIND what I just said, just DO IT! I want to get my beer and porn through YOU—vicariously. Now, they should be on their way, so go meet them in the lobby!

HHH looks at Vince and sighs, shaking his head as he leaves Vince's office.

* * *

About 20 minutes later, HHH is sitting in his office checking his cellphone, "Damn, where are these bitches AT?"

Just then, the divas start pouring into HHH's office—one after the other.

After a few minutes, they all arrive. HHH stands up and says, "Okay ladies, you've been called here because Vince wants all of you to get him some porn and beer. I hope you all are up for this. "

In the room are the Bellas, Natalia, the Funkadactyls, Tamina, AJ, Aksana and JoJo.

The ladies all smile because they've all heard of the legendary beer and porn run and they know that, historically, the winners tend to carry great favor with Vince. So, they all nod and agree to be up for it.

Natalia asks, "Hey Hunter, does the winner head Raw or SmackDown like always?"

HHH raises an eyebrow and answers, "Well, not THIS time, I'm afraid."

JoJo rolls her eyes and asks, "Well he needs to get that shit himself, I have a taping tonight."

HHH shakes his head and says, "No, no, sweetheart—Vince is reinstating a title for the winners of this contest.

AJ asks, "What? The HARDCORE title?

Tamina says, "No, I'll bet it's the European title!"

Natalia disagrees, "No, I'll bet it's the women's title, right Hunter?"

HHH smirks and nods, "Well, Natalya, you're very warm on that one. But it's not the women's title. No, ladies, this is one of the lesser-known LEGENDARY titles that was retired back in 1988, in fact."

The ladies let out a collective gasp as HHH continues, "Ladies, the winners of this contest will be the new…"

HHH gets up and pulls a black and purple velour covering from over an ivory stand, revealing the prize.

He smiles and says, "Yep, for the first time in 26 years, two lucky ladies will become the WWE Women's tag-team title holders!—the belts will be defended on both RAW and Smackdown!"

The ladies all smile and "ooooh" and "ahhhh" at the potential honor of becoming the first to usher in a new generation of women's tag-team wrestling.

HHH smile and says, "Well ladies, he wants a case of Heineken and a magazine called_ 'Anal Asians—'dey ruv u rong time'_. And he wants this stuff from a particular…uhh…shop in Philadelphia, called_ 'Tom's takin' it up the ass' Tabernacle'_ and he wants this shit by tonight, too. "

Hunter checks his cellphone and mentions, " Okaaaay, right now, it's…uhhh…7 am, better get started!"

After that, the ladies all scurry out to the parking lot to get to their vehicles.

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**A/N-Ok, this is the end of chapter 1. I just hope I'm not too rusty with this.**

* * *

So, who will pair off with who? Will Vince get his stuff before his lack of flaccidity dominates his trousers to the point that they rip? Will Steph finish her ham, seductively sucking the meat off the bone, while her stomach hangs out of the bottom of her tattered and stained '"Austin 3:16" t-shirt and HHH watches while touching himself inappropriately?, will Linda pee in the bed instead of the toilet again?, or will Mister McMahon have to once AGAIN suffer the agony of rolling around in a puddle of cold piss on his bed?, therefore causing him to have his mattress replaced for the 9th TIME this month?

These and all other questions will be answered next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	2. How are they getting There?

**Welcome back, readers! I KNEW you'd return to me! Ok, moving on, the girls have all assembled themselves in the front parking lot of the Giant Center (Hershey, PA—remember). They're discussing amongst themselves who will team up with whom and whose car they'll take…**

* * *

Brie turns to Nikki and gestures over to their car, which is a Wedding cake sitting on top of a bootleg pregnancy test-the wheels on the pregnancy test are part of the…um…vehicle. There's a pedal sticking out of the bottom "layer" of the cake that, when you step on it, the top "tier" of the cake opens and you have to climb the side of the cake like it's a steel cage in order to climb inside. Nikki motions to Brie and carefully says, "After you, sis."

Brie answers, "Ah, much obliged, Nikki, let's rock n' ROLL, girl! Oh, and I'm glad your 'condition' didn't kick in—good JOB, girl!"

Proud of herself, Nikki smiles and climbs in and decides to warm the car up—as it is a nice, balmy 12 degrees outside, now and all the girls are wearing is their wrestling gear. (C'mon, you KNOW I ALWAYS have the wrestlers in their wrestling gear—this is the 5th one of these, you should know that by now. Ok, moving on…)

* * *

Meanwhile, in another section, we have the Funkadactyls!

Naomi says, "Ok girrrrrl. We gittin' back together for THIS trip ONLY! Don't let me catch yo' ass in my RING!"

Cameron rolls her eyes and flicks her hair, "Pssshh! PLEEEASE girrrrrl! You ain't GOT nuttin' I can't HANDLE, honey chiiiiild!"

Naomi sighs and just says, "Look, I ain't got TIME for you, just climb in.

Naomi's car is a gigantic black ass—with a sewn-on hair weave covering the "car entrance"…with wheels on the bottom of where the "thighs" would begin. There's a "pimple" on it that acts as an opener. She presses the "pimple" and the cheeks spread open so that Cameron can climb in between.

* * *

So, as the, admittedly TEMPORARY, reunion of the funkadactyls take place and they're warming up their car, we come to Jo-Jo, who can't seem to even FIND her car…

Natalya notices JoJo looking around and asks, "See? What'd I tell you about GETTING that thing in the FIRST place" I TOLD you that you wouldn't be able to FIND it after you park it!

JoJo answered, "Look, are you just gonna'STAND there, or are you going to help me FIND this thing, or not?

Natalya rolls her eyes and answers, duuuuh…what about the 'panic' button on your keyfob, dummy?

JoJo giggles to herself momentarily and then says, "Ohhhh, that's right-and YOU'RE the dummy…dummy!"

Natalya closes her eyes and shakes her head as JoJo clicks the "panic" button and her horn beeps twice. The girls approach the car and JoJo turns to Natalya and asks, "Hey, since you helped me find my car, how'd you like to ride to Philly with me to get MrMcmahon's stuff and we can beat it on back here and make some history as the first women's tag champs in 26 years?!"

Natalya looks over at JoJo's car skeptically and then back at JoJo as if she were out of her mind. She says, "Jo, if you expect me to ride in THAT thing with you, you're out of your tree! I mean, honestly!"

JoJo looks at her car, which appears to be a regular empty space in a parking lot—**_(she's driving a 2014 Ford Nothing—I gave her that car because I couldn't think of anything that I feel would REALLY represent her. I have to thank a reviewer named "Sonar" for reminding me to brush up on my research, as, admittedly, it WAS kind of half-assed. But, anyway, back to the story._**

JoJo pleads, "Oh, come on Natalya—it'll be REALLY COOL if we take MY car! I mean, when we drive, to other people, it'll look like were sitting down floating on air—I have the world's first see-through car, you know!"

Nat furrows her brow and shakes her head, YES, I KNOW—ever since you BOUGHT that damn thing, you've only TOLD half the fuckin' ROSTER! And you're lucky no one tried to park in this space when we were inside! Your precious little car would've been CRUSHED! We'll take MY car!"

JoJo whines, "Nooooo…not YOUR car!"

Slightly offended, Nat asks, "Hey, whaddya' mean by THAT? My car runs just fine!"

Jo mutters to herself,_ "Yeah, but it's slow as HELL"_

Natalya smiles and says, "Ah come on, we can beat those other girls, now hurry and get in!

Natalya's car is parked a couple spaces over from JoJo's. Nat's car is a genie lamp sitting on a title belt replica she stole from some kid-er, I mean, BROUGHT from ShopZone-yeah, that's it. Natalya looks at the belt and shakes her head as a tear comes to her eye.

She mumbles to herself,_ "Ahhh…someday…someday…"_

JoJo rolls her eyes and mumbles to herself, _"Hm…knowing Natty's track record, I'll bet we finish SECOND."_

Natalya looks over all of a sudden and asks, "Hm, did you say something, Jo?"

Jo raises her eyebrows innocently and replies, "No…no I didn't. You must be hearing things, Nat."

Natalya nods and says, "Yeah, I think this job is starting to stress me out a little. C'mon, let's get in."

So the girls both rub the genie lamp 3 times, then they turn into a purple sparkly mist that flows into the spout-end of the lamp. _Oh, that's also how they get out of the lamp-either they can rub the lamp 3 times from the inside, or anybody can rub the lamp from the outside and they'll flow right back out-that's the downside to owning this vehicle, folks. Natty's biggest complaint is little kids rubbing her lamp when she's stopped at a redlight or a stop sign, she winds up "misting" out of the lamp and the kids are always asking her for 3 wishes. She always yells back, "Get out of here, you little shits! I ain't GOT no wishes!"_ **_And here _**_I_**_ thought she was good with kids, too. Hm...oh well_**-Anywho, once inside, they turn back into their regular selves and let the car warm a little.

* * *

At the same time, just a few spaces over, we have AJ lee and Tamina, whose car is a giant 1984 Chevrolet old-school-style video game joystick controller—with a leopard-patterned headband around the top of the joystick. They've already started their car and they're letting it warm.

Suddenly, Tamina sees something off to the side…

Tamina says, "Hmm, I didn't know Linda was here!"

AJ looks over and asks, "Damn, I didn't, either! Mr. McMahon better hope she doesn't find out about this, here."

You see, the girls know it's Linda because thry know hwe car—it's a 2013 Audi Droplet of Pee suspended in air over a pair of Depends…with wheels. Formally, It's called the Audi Trickle.

Tamina shakes her head and asks, "Remember when she was showing that thing over there off to us?

AJ sighs and answers, "Yeah, t'is a shame. She actually pulled ME ASIDE and TOLD me how it works! She said that the little droplet of piss hanging up there is the 'steering wheel'...like, EWW!"

Tamina laughs and says, "Yeah, I know, right?"

AJ lets the car run a couple more moments and looks over and spots something else. She gently nudges Tamina and they both look at each other and start laughing. Tamina just smirks and says, "Ha…figures. It appears Steph is here, too."

AJ smiles and says, "Yeah, it's not LIKE you can't TELL, or anything—her car's a big-assed HAM sandwich! And she always…and I mean ALWAYS parks it beside Triple H's Car…cars-es…or, whatever."

Tamina answers, "Well, they ARE married. But if there were EVER two other people more deserving of one another, I haven't met them! Look at Triple H's…MESS sitting over there! Damn SHAME what some people do as soon as they come into money."

AJ agrees, "Yeah, he just HAD to have two limos stacked on top of each other. He's been going around saying that he's going to ADD another limo to the top."

Tamina asks, "What the fuck—are you SERIOUS? hahaha! ANOTHER limo stacked on top—Daaaaaaayum, that's three limos!"

AJ says, "Ya' know what else?"

"No, what?"

"That fool says that the bottom limo will be controlled by the top limo and he also said not to ask him HOW or WHY, either."

Tamina smiles and says, "Yeah, I think Our COO needs some professional HELP."

* * *

Yet, meanwhile…finally, we come to Aksana…

Aksana is in her car and it's already warming up as she's on the phone…

"…No, I no know WHY no one will ride with a-meeee."

_Incoherent chatter on the phone…_

"No, NO, I already TELL you—she no like meeee I Don't knowwww-I guess I just dumb and . 'Dey-dey say I always smell like GARLIC, and_ *sniff-sniff*_ I no SMELL any garlic! I wash body in SOAP every live long day!"

Just then, Aksana hears a loud screeching sound, like someone was racing through the parking lot. She looks out of her window and says, "Hold on, I think I know car! Let me call back,Let me call back-I think I may have PARTNER!"

Aksana smiles and clicks off her phone. It WAS a car speeding through the parking lot—a car she was VERY familiar with. The car slid sideways, screeching, and stopped right in front of her car. The top opened and the driver beckoned Aksana to come inside!

Aksana couldn't believe her luck. She said, "Oh I can't BELIEVE luck today!" (GOD, I love doing that, lol!)

Aksana jumped out of HER car, which is a giant bottle of Grecian hair dye...yep, WITH wheels, and ran toward the awaiting car—with KHARMA asking her to hurry and come inside!

With a voice that resembles Cookie Monster from _"Sesame Street"_, Karma beckons, "HURRY, HURRY AKSANA! ME WANT JOB BACK! THIS BE KHARMA BIG CHANCE! KHARMA KNOW ABOUT GRAPEFRUIT ADVENTURE, MISTER MCMAHON, HIM WANT BEER, HIM WANT PORN! ME WANT COOKIE-COOKIE!COOKIE! COOKIE! COOKIE! "

Kharma opens the door and Aksana somersaults inside. She and Kharma hug each other and Aksana tells her what's going on with this mission and everything. Kharma then zooms out of the parking lot toward the highway. Oh yeah, Kharma's car is a refrigerator lying down on its side between two slices of bread...with wheels. It looks sort of like a refrigerator sandwich or something.

So, with all that said and done, our ladies all leave toward the closest highway, looking for the toll road that leads to Philadelphia.

* * *

So, what'll happen next? Who'll make it to Philly first? What exactly IS Nikki's "condition"? Does Linda have to wash her hands after leaving her car? Has Stephanie ever tried to eat HER car? Is the Funkadactyls' car actually the inspiration for their name? Will JoJo's new Ford Nothing be safe where it's parked? YIKES! Finally, where does Kharma keep the damn bologna and mayonnaise? These and any other questions will be answered next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	3. Breakfast and Lessons in English

_**A/N—Thanks to all who read and reviewed this story so far. You all are great people. Ok, here we go with even MORE of this…stuff, here. **_

Last we left off, we found out the girls' respective cars to take them to and from Philly on a timely basis. The show starts this evening at 5, so the ladies don't have much time to get to and from. The only good thing is that Philly isn't that far from Hershey, well, according to Google maps, anyway. Since THAT'S the case, you KNOW we have to join up with AJ and Tamina, as they've just pulled onto route 72…

* * *

AJ, just now thinking about it, asks, "Hey, did you see who got in that one chick's car?"

Tamina asks, "What chick?"

"You know, that ONE girl—um…um, whatsherface?"

Tamina shakes her head in bewilderment and AJ starts to get a bit impatient, "YOU know—the girl that-that always asks, _'When I gonna' get title match?'_—you know, the one with that weird, fucked-up accent?

Tamina remembers and smiles broadly, she answers, "OHHHH, yeah, NOW I know who you're talking about—it's that one chick no one likes to wrestle because she always smells like shawarma, right?"

AJ laughs and says, "Hahaha…YEAH, her!"

Tamina asks, "Why are you concerned?"

AJ rolls her eyes and replies, "Well, it's only because she has like a fucking FAST car, and I'm just hoping that, whoever's riding WITH her, that they DIDN'T take HER car—if they did, we just may be fucked, Tamina."

Tamina glances at AJ with a concerned expression and nods her head. She says, "Hmm, I think I see what you mean. Her car MAY be a bottle of Grecian hair dye, but that fucker is FAST, girl!"

Suddenly, AJ's stomach makes a "gurgling" sound.

Tamina curls her upper lip in slight disgust and looks over at AJ. She asks, "I KNOW that wasn't you—WAS it?"

Embarrassed, Aj looks over at Tamina and says, "Uh, my fault—I forgot to EAT this morning—I'm fuckin' HUNGRY, Tamina!"

Tamina sighs and says, "Oh, I don't BELIEVE this shit! You mean to tell me we have to stop OFF somewhere for your hungry ass?"

Aj looks at Tamina and sarcastically replies, "Yea, we DO, because my ASS is just STARVING!"

Tamina calmly says, "AJ, don't get pumpslammed in this vehicle today."

AJ waves her off and says, "OOH—there's food at this exit coming up! Let's stop real quick, pleeeeeeaaase?

Tamina pounds the steering wheel and says, "OKAY then, we'll STOP! Just don't start that whining shit today."

AJ smiles and bounces up and down and clapping her hands like a little girl, singing, "YAAAAAAAAY! I'm gonna get some paaaaaaancakes, I'm gonna' get some paaaaaaancakes! Oh, I LOVE you, Tamina!"

Tamina just rolls her eyes, shaking her head as they drive along.

* * *

Meanwhile, out of another exit from the parking lot, we find the Funkadactyls, as they've pulled out onto ANOTHER highway…

Naomi says, "Giiiiirrrrl, I'm hungrier than a MUG!"

Cameron answers, "Giirrrrrrl, I HEAR yo' ass!"

Naomi loudly asks, "Hey, maybe we can stop up here at 'dis one food stop comin' up?

Cameron loudly says, "OOH GIIIRRRRRL, 'DEY HAVE A DENNY'S!"

Naomi, equally as loud, smiles and replies, "OH 'DAT'S MY SHIT, GIIIIRRRRRL! 'DEY BETTER HAVE COLLARD GREENS AN' NECKBONES WIT' SOME HOT SAUCE!"

Ameron nods and says, "HM, I HEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRRRRD THAT, GIIIIRRRRL!" I NEEDS MA' CHICKEN WINGS, N'DEM' SHITS BETTER HAVE SOME HOT SAUCE, OKAAAY?!"

So the two girls high-five each other and drive on toward the next exit.

* * *

Ok, let's see how JoJo and Natalia are doing…

Natalia asks, "Hey Jo, you hungry? I brought something I made last night—Tyson RAVED about it!"

JoJo's eyes open wide in the hopes that it wouldn't be another helping of "Hart Dynasty Surprise". JoJo carefully asks, "Uh…what-what…uh, is it, Natty?"

Natalia giggles, "Hmhmhm…you have to GUESS!"

JoJo, who's wincing and just trying to have a little hope, answers, "Uh…I dunno…chicken?"Nat's still smiling, "Nope, guess again!"

"Uh…steak?"

"Nope, guess again"

JoJo smiles and says, "Um…tell me or I'll KILL you!"

Nat smiles and says, "TADAAAAAAA! It's Hart Dynasty SURPRIIIIISE!"

JoJo's smile turns into a slight frown. Feigning enthusiasm, she said, "Oh…greeeaaaaat-Hart Dynasty surprise, yaaaaaaay."

Natalya, not picking up on the fake excitement, happily answers, "Yep, and there's plenty to go around, too!"

JoJo was trying to forget the LAST time she had Hart Dynasty surprise as it ran through her system like a tornado through a trailer park. Howver, she also remembered the bullshit she told Natty at the company picnic—the bowl was empty because everyone dumped their helping in the garbage and JoJo, in a moment of weakness, felt some sympathy for Nat and asked her if she had any more of the stuff. She figured that, since the bowl was empty, Nat would think that she MEANT the compliment. But JoJo never figured she'd EVER see "Hart Dynasty Surprise"again.

Natalya adds, "See? You ARE lucky for teaming up with me, aren't you?"

JoJo sarcastically answers, "Nope, not too many people are as lucky as I am!"

Smiling, Natalya recalls, "Last night, when my hubby ate this, he was SOOOO excited and pleased with the taste that he got up from the table and ran to the bathroom! At first I was concerned because he was gone for a few minutes, but when he came back, he said that my food was so good that he felt SELFISH just keeping it all to himself and that he felt the need to share some of it with the toilet!' Ahhh…JoJo, there's nothing like a husband that supports you, I'll TELL ya'!"

JoJo hesitantly takes the lid off the container this concoction is in. She looked down at the creamy-looking mixture of what appeared to be melted Velveeta, heavy cream, broccoli—she wasn't sure but it LOOKED like brown sugar was in there—she saw some apple, some cantaloupe, some green bell pepper, and what LOOKED to be diced ham—though it was a little brownish-pink. The sauce looked sort of separated due to the juice from the apples and the cantaloupes. She looks at Natalya with an uncertain expression on her face.

Placing her hand gently on JoJo's shoulder, Natalya smiles innocently and calmly says , "Oh, it always separates like that—just stir it up and dig in!"

JoJo grimaces and smells the food and tries her BEST to keep her eyes from rolling in the back of her head. Once again, She fakes enthusiasm and says, "Oh…wow, Natalya—you made…so MUCH! It smells so GOOD, too!"

Natalya smiles and says, "I wanted to make sure that we didn't run out and, since you seemed to like it so much during the last WWE company picnic, I bought plenty just. For. You!"

Natalya was glancing back and forth between the road and JoJo—watching her take a bite to see how she liked it.

JoJo thinks quickly and says, "Oh…uh, Nat—I can't eat this."

Natalya asks, "Well, why not, hon?"

JoJo hurriedly replies, "I-I…uh…I have no spoon!" Jo smiles quickly and Natalya smiles back and says, "Well, you really ARE lucky today! I happen to have one on me! Nat reaches in her tights and pulls out a spork.

Nat says, "Sorry, I'm out of spoons, but this spork should do the rick!"

Jo Jo smiles and rolls her eyes a little., mildly laughing to herself. Natalya nods and says, "Don't be shy, go for it! It's GOOD!

JoJo raises her eyebrows as she digs in hesitantly. When she puts the spork down in, she could HEAR the creaminess and it grosses her out a little because it sounds like someone with a case of dry-mouth trying to give a lecture or someone stirring macaroni and cheese, or something. She put the food in her mouth and her face contorts into a half-smile/half –grimace while looking at Natalya, who's simply just smiling back.

Natalya asks, "It's GOOD, just like at the company picnic, right Jo?"

Still with a half-grimace, JoJo nods and says, "Mmmmm…num-num. She dry-heaves slightly, but Nat doesn't notice."

Natalya smiles and says, "Oh, I'm so glad you and my hubby like this! I think I'm going to make it my SIGNATURE dish!"

JoJo, nodding and fighting the urge to vomit, replies, "Great, he's a lucky man."

Natalya then sees a road sign for a gas station up ahead. She says, "Hm, I'd better fill up at this next rest area coming up, then.

JoJo sees an opportunity to pitch the food , her mood brightens up, and she hurriedly agrees, Um, uh…YES—filling up would be AWESOME!"

Nat replies, "You're the best partner, ever, JoJo! Let's go."

* * *

Ok, let's join up with Aksana and Kharma, who have just pulled into a gas station…

Aksana, "Are you filling up car?"

Kharma (who, again, sounds a lot like cookie monster, replies, "YES, KHARMA FILL UP 'DE TANK. KHARMA NO RUN OUT OF GAS!"

Aksana furrows her brow and asks, "Kharma, now that you aren't wrestling, what you do for living?"

Kharma smiles and answers, "ME ENGLISH TRANSLATOR! KHARMA TEACH PEOPLE TO SPEAK ENGLISH RIGHT."

Aksana nods and asks, "Well, couold you help ME out? When I cash check at bank, I feel like I getting cheated out of money because my accent."

Kharma says, "OK, KHARMA HELP YOU., KHARMA HELP YOU! NOW—REPEAT AFTER KHARMA—SHE SELL SEASHELL BY DE' SEA-SHORE!"

Aksana tries her best, "Ok, here goes—'She sellsea shells by the sea-shore!', how's THAT?"

Kharma shakes her head and says, "NO, NO—IT'S 'SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS BY **DE'** SEA-SHORE!' YOU MUST SAY LIKE KHARMA!"

Aksana tries again, THIS time in a Cookie Monster-ish type of voice, "OK—'SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS BY DE' SEA-SHORE!"

Kharma smiles and replies, "PERFECT, YOU REPEATED AFTER KHARMA! I TEACH YOU MORE LATER. NOW, KHARMA MUST PUMP GAS! YOU WAIT IN CAR, ME GO GET COOKIE!"

* * *

Alright, alright—let's leave them be and join up with the Bella twins, who are also at a gas station filling up…

Brie turns to Nikki and shakes her head.

Nikki asks, "What's wrong, sis?

Brie rolls her eyes and shakes her head. She mumbles to herself, "_No, I swore that I wouldn't get into this, but…_"

Nikki asks, "Brie, please tell me what's wrong!"

Brie looks at her sister and sighs, "You know I still resent John—I don't care HOW good of a man you convince me he IS—I'll NEVER like him OR respect him!"

Nikki sighs and says, "Look, I have to live with my condition—you can't protect me from everything! John IS a good man! I WANT to marry him and have his babies!"

Brie slaps the dashboard and says in frustration, "Brie, he GAVE you a VD! That idiot gave you linerhyme-itis! Doesn't that spell anything OUT for you?"

Brie replies, "Sis, I KNOW he gave me this. And YES, he IS responsible for the condition that I have, but I LOVE him, don't you SEE that?"

The car/wedding cake/whatever goes quiet momentarily. Suddenly Nikki starts daydreaming and a baseball cap is suddenly growing out of the top of her head— and it's turned SIDEWAYS!. Brie notices and remembers what the doctor said- that whenever Nikki does this, her "condition" is starting to kick in.

Brie says, "Oh shit, she's about to start again—

Nikki turns to Brie and says, "Hey sis, you know I have this disease, that's why I like cooking macaroni and cheese!"

Brie sighs and says, "Oh,fuck meeeee…not THIS again! c'mon, Snap out of it, sis!"

Nikki answers, "Yo, I hope we win this contest. When you're trying to eat your food outside in the summer, bees are such pests!"

Brie feels that ready-to-cry feeling brewing inside of her as Nikki continues, "What's up my NIZZLE? Today t's going to be cloudy, with a 50-percent chance of drizzle!"

A few moments later, Nikki starts to snap out of her trance. She blinks her eyes and feels the top of her head. She asks, "What just happened? Where did this baseball cap come from? "

Brie is speechless as Nikki looks down and notices that BASKETBALL SHOES have ACTUALLY started to grow over the top of her wrestling boots!

Brie notices and says, "Oh no-it looks like your condition is nearing its advanced stages!"

With tears in her eyes, Nikki asks, "What—what do you MEAN?!"

Brie answers and says, "The doctor told me that, when you catch this particular venereal disease, it tends to advance rapidly! And these symptoms you're having—they're right in line with "LineRhyme-itis! The disease starts by you rhyming your lines—the first line makes sense and the second part is usually bullshit. As the disease spreads, parts of your body get overgrown with hip-hop accessories!"

Nikki asks, "WHAAAAAT?!"

Brie says, "Yeah, the doctor told me that he's had a FEW patients with 40-inch gold chains growing out of their necks, as well as FUbU t-shirts growing out of their CHESTS, spare cellphones with separate phone numbers that their matesdon't know about, even illegitimate KIDS grow out from the penises of some of the GUY victims! Not to mention—your tastes in men and/or women change DRMATICALLY!

Nikki asks, "Oh no, my-my taste in MEN will change?"

Brie answers, it COULD—I mean, for guys, they usually wind up liking fat, white girls with a bunch of kids and low self-esteem, and for women—they usually wind up liking broke black guys who are sexually lazy."

Brie looks in the passenger-side mirror with a dejected look on her face, HER eyes beginning to tear up, as well.

Nikki somberly says, "I can't believe John GAVE me this…this…DISEASE! So, you're saying that everyone I have sexual contact with is put at risk for catching this disease from…ME?"

Brie notes, "I'm afraid so, honey. Let's pump this gas so we can finish this thing first. We'll talk about this later, okay?

Nikki nods and just stares out of the passenger side window _**(YES, it's a wedding cake with WINDOWS, OK?"**_

* * *

For further insight into the disease NOW known as "linerhyme-itis", read Grapefruits, the Adventure 2-John Cena has it REALLY bad, lol! So anyway, we'll leave them be for now and I'm closing this out for today. I'm tired of typing. Thanks for reading, please review!


	4. Burning Issues and New Acquaintances

_**A/N-Welcome back, fuckers! I see you're still reading this, huh? Some people just NEVER learn, I'll tell ya'! Anywho, the ladies have all briefly stopped for either breakfast or to pump gas, while one lucky lass had some "Hart Dynasty Surprise"! As Rachael Ray would say, "YUM-O!" But, we're going to move on with thing, here.**_

* * *

So, let's get this shit started and join up with The Funkadactyls as they've just pulled up into a rest stop…

.

Naomi furrows her brow in a slight anger. She looks around and DOESN'T SEE A DENNY'S RESTAURANT! She sees a crowd of kids running around a woman in a white robe. Hmm…

Naomi nudges Cameron, who just got out of the ass-car. As always, she loudly asks, "WHATTHEHELL IZ' AWWW-**DIS?**!"

Cameron loudly answers, "**OWW**-KNOW! AIN'T DEY **S'POSED** TO BE A DENNY'S UP IN HERE, CHIIIILD?"

Naomi can hear some faint yelling over where the kids are. She also sees a car almost IDENTICAL to HERS, except, it's a giant WHITE ass—with PINK pimples, and a giant bible sticking out of the back end of it.

Her and Cameron turn and look at each other and then back at the commotion. They see a dark-haired lady in a white robe trying to get the kids to behave. The lady is tiredly saying, "Kids, kids, KIIIIIIDS  
! Get back on the bus! Our lord doesn't like kids who are baaaaad!"

Regardless, the kids keep running around what looks like it USED to be a Denny's at some point, but is now apparently a generic diner of some sort.

And, Cameron and Naomi can JUUUUST hear the lady mumble, "…And neither do _**I**_! I have to remember to fuckin' KILL deacon Russell for sticking me with these l'il monsters when we get back to that bullshit bible camp! Oh Lord, please forgive my ass—um, I mean—Please forgive me!""

Cameron raises her eyebrows and asks, "OOOH, GIIIIIRL, DID **YOU** HEAR **THAT** SHIT?"

Naomi answers, "CHIIIIIILLLLLD…I Sho' **DID**!"

Cameron squints a little, trying to recognize this woman. She smiles a little as she thinks she recognizes her. She nudges Naomi and asks, "HAY GIRRRRRL, YOU KNOW WHO 'DAT **IS**? NAH, GO 'HEAD—LOOK REEAAAL CLOSE."

Naomi leans forward to get a better look and smiles, saying, "SHEEEEIIIIIT! I **KNOW** 'DAT AIN'T WHO I **THINKS** IT IS!"

This time, the girls' normal voices can be heard over the din of all the kids running around the place. The lady in the white robe looks over and notices them. She then approaches and says, "HEEEY…don't I know you two from somewhere?"

Cameron answers, "YEAH, YOU PROLLY SEEN US ON WWE! WE USED TO BE CALLED THE FUNKADACTYLS, NOW WE SINGLES PEOPLES!"

The lady smiles and says, "I KNEW I seen you two somewhere! Hey, I'm Nora Greenwald!"

Naomi excitedly points and says, "OOH-OOH, DI'N 'DEY CALL YOU 'MOLLY HOLLY'?"

The lady smiles and nods, saying, "Yes they did."

Cameron asks, "WELL, WHA'CHU DOIN' HERE?"

Nora closes her eyes and answers, "Ugh…I got duped into taking these kids on a field trip for a bible camp I'm volunteering for. My husband's church runs it."

Naomi asks, "OOH…I AIN'T KNOW YOU WENT TO CHURCH. WHAT'S THE NAME OF YO' CHURCH, NORA?"

Nora answers, "It's called the 'International House of Prayer'."

Cameron and Naomi look at each other and then back at Nora and just bust out laughing. Nora furrows her brow and asks, "I'm sorry, but what's so funny?"

Naomi answers, SAY YO' CHURCH'S NAME AGAIN—AND THEN SAY TO YO'SELF WHAT EACH WORD IN DA' TITLE BEGIN WIT'."

Nora thinks to herself and shakes her head. She suddenly realizes something and covers her mouth in slight embarrassment. She says, "Oh, my heavens! International …House… of…Prayer—wait! My- My church is called…**IHOP**?

Nora's face flushes pinkish-red as Cameron pats her on the back and says, "OH IT'S OK, GIIIRRRRL! WE GOT YO' BACK! AS A MATTER OF FACT, I HAVE AN IDEA…GIIIIIIRRRRRL!"

Nora looks at the both of them and tilts her head out of curiosity, raising an eyebrow. She asks, "Well, what's your idea?"

Naomi answers, "WE'RE ON THIS RETARDED-ASSED TRIP FOR MISTER MCMAHON—"

Nora nods, saying, "-Ahhh…the beer and porn run, right?"

Cameron asks, "YOU WELCOME TO COME ALONG IF YOU WANT. "

Nora strokes her chin and asks, "Hmm…do the winners get to be GMs of RAW like always?"

Cameron replies, "NOPE, HE AIN'T DOING THAT 'DIS TIME. UM-UM, 'D WINNERS IS GONNA' BE 'DA FIRST WOMEN'S TAG TEAM CHAMPS IN 26** YURS**.

With a confused expression on her face, Nora asks, "Um…Cameron, is it? Um…what's a '**YUR**'?"

Cameron sighs and says, "YOU KNOW—A YUUUR…OH WAIT, MY BAD—IT'S CALLED A '**YEAR**'."

Nora smiles and nods, Ohhh, NOW I understand! You know, my father always SAID that you people always seem to talk so loudly and funny! Oh…father's **so** wise!"

Cameron and Naomi both look at each other, awestruck and disgusted by what Nora just said. Cameron asks, "OH **HELL** NO! WHA'CHU **MEAN** 'YOU PEOPLE'?"

Cameron started to lunge at Nora but Naomi held her back. Naomi said, "GIIIIRRRRL…INSTEAD OF TAKIN' IT 'DERE, WHY NOT JUST TEAM UP WITH HER? THREE HEADS _**IS**_ BETTER THAN TWO!"

Nora, oblivious to how potentially offensive her comment was, innocently and softly offered, "Hey girls, how about we take MY car? Yours should be safe here!"

Cameron retorted, "GIIIIRRRRL PLEASE! OWW-KNOW **WHAT** 'DEM KIDS IS GONNA' DO TO MY CAR! WE TAKIN' **MA'** CAR! C'MON YOU TWO, LET'S KEEP IT MOVIN'!"

Nora thinks for a moment and agrees, "Hm…it's not like it actually MY car, anyway—it belongs to the church. Besides, I've always wanted to see how a **black** ass handles when you're riding it! I normally have to ride that…piece of crap WHITE ass sitting over there because my church just doesn't have the funds to PAY for a car like you guys'."

The Funkadactyls look at each other and snicker to themselves because of Nora's innocence in making that statement she just made."

Cameron says, "A'IGHT—NORA, YOU GO 'HEAD AND CLIMB IN!"

Just before entering, Nora turns around and says, "Please, just call me 'Molly'."

Naomi says, "HM…COO'. OH WAIT, WHAT ABOUT 'DEM KIDS?"

Molly looks over at the kids and just shrugs her shoulders. She simply says, "Oh, it's ok. God will protect and keep them." Molly turns toward the kids and waves her right arm in a cross-formation.

She pauses for a minute then says, "Meh, they'll live."

So, with the press of the "pimple", the "cheeks" part/doors open and all three climb inside.

* * *

**Okay, now that THAT'S done with, you KNOW we have to visit AJ and Tamina , who appear to be STUCK at a rest stop!**

Tamina's walking over to the restroom area to see what's taking AJ so long. She leans up to the door and all she can hear is a bunch of farting. To her, the farting just sounded like someone with pursed lips trying REALLY hard not to laugh at something. She curls her upper lip in disgust and hears a loud "zooming" noise coming from the highway. She turns and sees a Genie lamp sitting on top of a championship belt zooming by and immediately knows it's Natalya.

Tamina pounds on the door and yells, "COME ONNN, AREN'T YOU DONE YET? I JUST SAW NATALYA PASS US!

She can hear AJ answer faintly, "NOOO…I'M NOT…UGH…DONE YET! DAMMIT!

Tamina sighs in frustration. She yells, "SEE? THAT'S WHAT YOUR ASS **GETS** FOR EATING ALL THAT CHEESE! HONESTLY, WHO THE **FUCK** EATS 3 PACKS OF JALAPENO CHEESE IN ONE SITTING? HUH? i MEAN, REALLY, WHO **DOES** THAT? **NOW** YOU'RE FUCKING **CONSTIPATED** AND WE'RE PROLLY IN LAST FUCKING PLACE **BECAUSE** OF IT!"

Tamina waits a few more moments and sees what looks like a refrigerator sandwich pass by on the highway. She sees the person on the passenger side and sees that it's Aksana! But she's in what looked to be Kharma's car! She then kicks the bathroom door and yells, "OH GREAT, **NOW** AKSANA'S PASSED US—AND IT LOOKS LIKE SHE MET UP WITH KHARMA, SOMEWHERE!"

AJ somberly answers, "AAGGGH, it...it BUUUUURNS! OWWWWWW-OOOOH! IT FEELS LIKE SOMEONE'S DROPPING LIT** MATCHES** OUT OF MY ASS, OR SOMETHING!"

Moments later, Tamina hears some whimpering and sniffling, as if AJ's crying. Tamina shakes her head, lifting her arms, letting them fall at her sides, and mumbles to herself, "Shit…I don't believe THIS—THIS bitch is CRYING in the damn BATHROOM!"

Tamina, feeling a little sorry for AJ asks, "AJ? AJ? YOU ALRIGHT IN THERE, HON? "

She gets no answer, only a bunch of whimpering.

Tamina remembers that she always keeps a pack of laxatives in her purse—especially for when she's invited to Natalya's house for Hart Dynasty Surprise—the last time she had it, it stopped her up worse than a freeway with an accident on it during rush hour traffic. She SWORE to herself that, from that point forward, she'd ALWAYS keep a pack on her in case of an emergency.

So Tamina runs to the car and hurriedly gets her purse. She dumps the contents all over the front seats and finds the laxatives. She runs back over to the bathrooms and leans against the door.

She sighs and then asks, "UM...AJ, SWEETIE, DO YOU NEED ME TO COME IN AND GIVE YOU THESE LAXATIVES?"

It's silent for a few seconds before AJ finally answers, half-crying, "UU-UHM…WHAT FLAVOR ARE THEY?"

Tamina is about at the end of her rope and she starts to go **off**, "HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU WORRY ABOUT THE **FLAVOR** AT A TIME LIKE THIS? IF NOTHING ELSE, AT **LEAST** TRY ROCKING BACK AND FORTH!"

AJ apparently hears this and sadly replies, "*s_niff*_…Why are you _**yelling**_? _*sniff-sniff*_ I-I can't HELP it!"

Tamina rolls her eyes and sighs to herself, trying to mentally calm down. She laughs to herself, not BELIEVING that this is ACTUALLY happening. Then, after a few seconds, she calmly, but loudly replies, "THEY'RE THE CHOCOLATE-FLAVORED ONES. YOU **KNOW** HOW YOU LOVE **CHOCOLATE**!"

Once again, there's silence for a few moments before AJ answers, "WHAT BRAND IS IT?"

Tamina throws the laxatives on the ground in frustration and walks over to the car and starts repeatedly kicking the back tire.

She yells, "GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WHY MEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!"

* * *

Ok, we'll let them work on that unfortunate situation and now we'll join up with the Bellas, who are stopped at a gas station. Brie has just finished pumping the gas as the gas pump trigger is just starting to "click", indicating a full tank…

Brie says to herself, "Ah, that should do the trick! We'll be able to win this, no problem!"

Meanwhile, Nikki is in the store purchasing some Starburst candies and a bag of the hot pork rinds for Brie. Suddenly, she slips into one of her "episodes" and she approaches the counter. The clerk sees her baseball cap tilted to the side and NOW she has a 30-inch gold chain starting to grow around her neck. The clerk also notices a pair of sunglasses starting to grow over Nikki's eyes and a .9 mm pistol growing in her left hand!

The elderly clerk is immediately frightened by this and immediately raises her hands up in the air _(and she waves 'em like she just don't care!—lol, j/k)_

Anyway, the frightened clerk says, "PREESE NO SHOOT, ONRY 30 DOLLA' IN LEGISTER! I NO _**KNOW**_ COMBINATION TO SAFE! PREESE, I HAVE FAM'RY!"

Nikki, panicking, replies, "Lady, what are you talking about? I like my pork mixed with sauerkraut!"

The lady at the counter still stood there in the surrendering position. Nikki finally notices the gun that is growing out of her hand and her eyes also grow big as she was shocked to actually SEE this, herself, for the first time! And, for SOME reason, the sunglasses growing over her eyes don't affect her vision any.

Nikki tries putting her candy and her pork rinds on the counter, but the inconsolable counter lady insisted, "PREESE, JUST TAKE 'DEM—I NO WANT TO DIE!"

Just at that moment, Brie was making her way inside the store. She IMMEDIATELY saw what was happening and ran and snatched her sister out of the store. She quickly ran back inn and took both the candy AND the pork rinds and threw $5 on the counter before running out of the store.

She asked Nikki, "Nikki, it looks like you're having another episode! You scared the SHIT out of that lady in there!"

Nikki shrugged and replied, "Yo, I was just tryin' to get some Starburst an' some SKINS, all along the highway, I just see restaurants and inns!

Brie, knowing full well that she's stuck hearing her sister slip in and out of rhythm for this trip, just rolls her eyes and mutters, "Aww fuuuuuuuuuuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK! It's bad enough that JOHN does this, but NOW it's my own…sister."

She sighs to herself and says, "Ok, let's go, hon."

Nikki nods and agrees, "Yeah, we need to be on our WAY! Do you think that Jamie Foxx is gay?"

* * *

Alright, alright…I'm gonna' cut it off here, tonight because …well…because I want to. Oh, Aksana and Kharma are doing just fine. As you read earlier in this chapter, they passed Tamina and AJ. However, while they were passing them, Kharma was giving Aksana another English "lesson". Oh, and Natalya and JoJo are doing fine, too. However, JoJo had to take a dump REALLY badly, due to eating some of that "Hart Dynasty Surprise" and her and Natalya wound up stopped at a hotel up the road a piece. Natalya had to give Jo her handkerchief AND help her out of the stall because as long as she was in that bathroom, her legs wound up going numb and she was in that bathroom SWEATING as if she were doing P90-X exercises. **(A/N-I just felt you all needed to know that little factoid. Lol, what can I say? I like details.)**

* * *

Thanks for reading and join me again next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, and same Warrior channel!


	5. A Thick Accent and a Time to Make Up

**Ok, we're back yet AGAIN! Last we left off, the girls had some breakfast and some…uh…OTHER issues. But, of course, we'll now join up with Aksana and Kharma, as they're just entering the toll area just before the toll road on the way to Philly…**

* * *

Aksana asks—in her newly-acquired "Cookie Monster" voice that Kharma is teaching her to speak in, Does Kharma have change to go on turnpike?"

Kharma smiles and answers, of course, in HER REGULAR Cookie monster-type voice _(Oh YOU should get it by now, geez)_, "YES, KHARMA HAVE CHANGE, KHARMA KEEP IT UNDER FROZEN VEGGIES! REACH UP IN FREEZER!, REACH UP IN FREEZER!

Aksana does so and hands the change to Kharma as they move up in line.

They pull up next to the toll booth and get ready to hand the lady their money. The lady shakes her head and explains that they only pay AFTER they take their exit from off of the turnpike. She prints out a ticket and shows them how to read the ticket…

Kharma asks the lady, "SO, WE TAKE THIS EXIT HERE AND KHARMA HAS TO PAY?"

The lady sighs and answers, "NO, YOUR exit is HERE!" She points to the name of the city listed on the back of the ticket.

Aksana asks, "So, we get Philly beer and porn HERE?"

A couple of frustrating minutes pass and the toll clerk is starting to lose her cool a bit. She says, "NO, you IDIOTS! You are to look for a sign that says "Phil-A-DELLLLPHIAAAAA! GOT that?"

Just then, a car horn can be heard in back of them. Aksana sticks her head out of the window and yells back—of COURSE, in her "Cookie Monster" voice, "JUST MINUTE, WE ALMOST THROUGH!"

A couple more moments pass, and the gentleman in the oddly-shaped car in back of them in line starts to get out of his vehicle—which is a Hummer with a miniature SIDE-Hummer attached to the passenger side, where a kid appears to be. The man gets out and approaches Kharma's vehicle. He leans over Aksana's side and asks, "EXCUSE ME, BUT COULD YOU KEEP IT MOVING? I'M IN BIG HURRRRY, I HAVE TO POOP—RRREALLY BADLY!"

Aksana looks at the man and is IMMEDIATELY overcome with joy! She puts her hand to her cheek and nudges Kharma, who is still trying to read the back of the ticket and, by now, OTHER people waiting in line have started honking their horns.

Aksana exclaims, "OH MY GODS! YOURE ARNOLD SCWARTZENEGGER! HEY KHARMA, IT ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER!"

Kharma looks over and smiles, "HEEEEEY, NICE TO SEE ARNOLD OUT OF CLASS!"

Arnold smiles back and replies, YES, in his normal Scandinavian accent, in case you forgot/don't know, "YYYYESS, I AGRRREEE! SO GOOD TO SEE AHNOLD OUTSIDE OF SPEECH CLASS! KHAMA HAS NICE CAR!"

Kharma smiles and answers, "KHARMA THANK ARNOLD FOR NICE COMPLIMENT—ME WANT COOKIE!"

Aksana looks at the both of them and asks, "Wait-you know each other?"

Arnold replies, "YES, THE GOVERNATOR AND KHARMA ARE BOTH SPEECH THERRRAPISTS! VE BOTH TEACH 'DE PEOPLES TO SPEAK 'DE ENGLISH PRRROPERLY AND STRONGLY!

Aksana raises an eyebrow and asks, "Huh? 'STRONGLY'?"

Arnold forcefully answers, "DYAH-GYAHH...I DO EVERY'TING STRRRONGLY!"

Just then, a car horn sounds a few times—and keeps ON sounding. Arnold looks over in the other lane and sees a couple of gay guys making out. Arnold, famous for being conservative, shakes his head and says, "LOOK AT THAT, KHAMA—'DEY-DEY-'DEY MAKING OUT ON TOLL RRRROAD!"

Aksana and Kharma look at the gay couple, the toll booth lady—who's NOW taking a swig of brandy, then back at Arnold, who's getting on his soapbox about what he's seeing.

He says, "EH-EH…'DAT IS JUST WRRRRRONG—VEN I VAS GOVERN-KAISER OF CALIFORNIA, VE DIDN'T ALLOW GAY MARRIAGE! GOD CREATED ADAM AND EVE—NOT-NOT ADAM AND STEPHENFRITZEL!"

Aksana asks, "Uh…'STEPHENFRITZEL'?"

Arnold answers, "Oh—that's German for 'Steve'".

The tollbooth lady is listening to this with her mouth agape, in disbelief that there are literally** three** people RIGHT in front of her, at the SAME time, mind you, who can't seemingly speak a LICK of English.—and ONE of them is a famous, award-winning actor, at THAT!

Khaarma smiles and says, "YES, KHARMA REMEMBER ARNOLD'S POLITICAL PLATFORM! YOU WERE OPPOSED TO 'DE GAY MARRIAGE, RIGHT?!"

Arnold nods and says, "EXACTLY! IT VASN'T POLITICAL—NO, NOOOOO! IT WAS PERSONAL! IT GOES BACK TO MY 'MISTER UNIVERSE' DAYS, IN FACT! YA, YAAAA! ALL OF 'DE BODYBUILDERS—VE'D BE IN 'DE BACK, IN OUR SKIMPY BRRRIEFS AND OILING UP EACH OTHERS' BEAUTIFUL RRRRIPPLING MUSKLES -AND VE'D ALL AGREE THAT GAY SEX IS WRRRRONG!"

Aksana asks, "So, when you were governor, that was stance on subject of gays in society?"

Arnold places a hand on the window pane on Aksana's side and answers, YYYEEEESSSS! FOR EET EES WRRRRITTEN EEEN 'DA BIBLE—MAN SHALL NOT HAVE SEX VIZ OTHER MEN! HE SHALL FIND A VOMAN AND KISS AND GRRROPE THE BUTTOCKS AND FUNBAGS OF ZINE VOMAN!" Then he quickly adds, "—AND HER SEESTER, TOO—eef she's eento it."

* * *

_**Ok, so we'll let them be for now, and move onto Brie and Nikki, as they've found the same toll road, but are in another lane that ALSO happens to be jammed, for some reason…**_

Nikki's condition has started to take control of her body and the .22-caliber gun she as growing out of her hand wasn't going away, neither are her sideways-turned baseball cap, or her throwback Nike basketball shoes, that have NOW replaced her wrestling boots.

Brie sighs and says, "God DAMN, what's the freakin' HOLDUP, here?!"

She honks her horn in frustration, especially since she glances over to another lane and sees Natalya and JoJo inching ahead of them in line.

Nikki shrugs, shaking her head. She points out, "Yo, yo, yoooo….I don't know WHAT the holdup is, all I know is that I like to eat my broccoli topped with Cheese Whiz!"

Brie, exasperated, just looks at her sister and asks, "Nikki, could you PLEASE give it a rest? This rhyming you're doing is making you a bit of a pest!"

Nikki glances over to Brie, smiling proudly. Brie thinks for a second at what she just said and she holds her hand to her mouth, saying, "Oh great—NOW you got ME doing it!"

Nikki looks at Brie apologetically and answers, "Yo Brie, I apologize, and did you know I like eating key lime pies?"

Brie pounds her head on her horn over and over again, as frustration and impatience have REALLY started to set in at this point. However, just up ahead, Brie thinks she sees the source of the mix-up in line.

She squints to get a better look at the situation and sees a blonde-haired woman, with NO car, just seemingly running herself into the tollbooth over and over again and ACTUALLY APLOGIZING TO THE TOLL BOOTH!

She sticks her head out of the window and she hears a faint, "OOPS, I'm sorry, mister tool booth! OOPS, I'm sorry, mister tool booth! OOPS, I'm sorry, mister tool booth!..."

Brie rolls her eyes and says to Nikki, "Do you believe THIS? That's Kelly KELLY's retarded ass up there—running herself into the damn TOLLBOOTH and that ditz is **actually** APOLOGIZING to the tollbooth! UUUURRGH! NO ONE should be THAT fucking STUPID!"

She lays on her horn, yelling, "COME ONNNNNN, YOU DUMB BITCH! WE HAVE SHIT WE GOTTA' DOOOOOO!"

Kelly hears this, apparently, as she looks back and sees who's yelling at her. She smiles and says, I'm sorry, but I just owe this TOLLBOOTH an apology! I keep bumping into it but it just won't get out of my WAY! Everywhere I move, HE moves!"

Nikki raises an eyebrow and says, "Yo, check it—she CAN'T be SERIOUS! When I don't eat nuttin', I gets DELIRIOUS!"

Brie remembers an anti-stress technique she learned in yoga class. She starts rubbing her temples in a circular pattern and going "UUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMM—UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYOU ARE NOT FEELING ANY STREEEEEESSSSSUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM…"

* * *

_**Ok, now lets go look in on Tamina and AJ, who are pretty much in last place, as Tamina can clearly see their competitors all in different lanes, but STILL ahead of THEM…**_

Tamina looks at AJ with a slight resentment and mentions, "You know, I think we're behind everybody."

AJ says, "Sorry, Tamina—I **know** I'm the reason for this happening and, believe ME, the way my ass is burning right now, I WISH I could've just showed some common SENSE and DIDN'T eat that entire pack of jalapeno cheese."

Tamina remains quiet, still a bit pissed at AJ for her bout with constipation back at that rest stop.

Aj waits a couple moments for Tamina to respond and finally asks, "Tamina, are you gonna' TALK to me, or what? I SAID I was sorry—It's not LIKE I can…fuckin'…un-SHIT the cheese, or something! Please, you HAVE to talk to me!"

Tamina shakes her head and gruffly replies, "Oh, I don't have to do anything but stay Hawaiian and DIE!"

AJ thinks for a couple moments about what could possibly get Tamina to start talking again. She snaps her fingers and smirks a little. She says, "Ok then, I wasn't gonna' even TELL you this, but, uh… I saw Vickie Guerrero in the men's locker room sniffing Fandango's white, cotton, thong-panties.

Tamina raises an eyebrow in curiosity, but still refused to talk to AJ. AJ notices this and keeps on talking, knowing Tamina's affinity for details, "Yeah, she didn't see ME, but I saw HER fat, perverted ass! I saw her open his locker and his white, cotton thongs fell to the floor. She looked around and I ducked behind the doorway. I THEN saw her pick them up and look at them—haha…turns out that Fandango's a nasty fucker, AND, I think he might be **gay**, but just on the down-low about it—when I saw her unfold his drawers, she held them out and I saw all this brown in the back—which, of course, is sadly NORMAL for a grown-ass MAN! But THEN I saw a couple of brown dots in the FRONT!"

AJ looks at Tamina trying to hide her emotion but still grimacing a little, anyway. AJ sees her success in breaking Tamina's silence, and she keeps on, "Think about that—how do you end up with brown DOTS in the FRONT of your drawers? See? I had a feeling Alicia was right about his—hell, even SHE said that he's riding SOMEONE'S pony in that-that…MEN'S lockerroom! She even said she OVERHERD him saying that he 'likes how it leaves his wang a nice, toasty brown!"

Tamina raises an eyebrow and smirks. AJ, realizing success, just smiles. Finally, Tamina says, "Ok, you broke me down, but you HAVE to promise me—NO MORE CHEESE during this trip!"

AJ, just thankful to have Tamina speaking to her again, happily replies, "Truuuuust me, I've LEARNED MY lesson! I mean, my best friend wasn't speaking to me and my fucking BOWELS were backed up worse than the Lincoln tunnel at 3am!"

* * *

Ok, I'll stop it there for now, oh—Natalya and JoJo are just fine, they managed to get their turnpike ticket, eventually. What happened was that Natalya didn't have any money or a credit card on her, and neither did JoJo. Natalya DID remember, however, that she still had some "Hart Dynasty surprise" sitting in the trunk sitting on ice and offered it to the tollbooth person in exchange for entrance onto the turnpike. At first, the tollbooth operator refused, but Natalya wouldn't budge until the operator had some. The operator tasted some and ran out of the tollbooth to throw up in a thicket of trees across the road. While the operator was throwing up, out of eyesight from Natalya and JoJo, Jo suggested that they take this time to hurry up and zoom off—little did she think that the time to pay the operator is ACTUALLY when you LEAVE the turnpike, not when you ENTER. Undoubtedly, it'll be interesting to see how they're able to leave the PA turnpike when time comes. The Funkadactyls and Molly are fine, aswell as they're trying to bring Molly up to speed on dealing with minorities **other** than Gail Kim. _(Long-time wrestling fans will get THAT one, lol!)_

_**A/n—In case you don't know, the "constant "rrrrrr" thing when Arnold is talking is pronounced as a "rolling" R-sound.**_

* * *

Hey, thanks for reading and join me the next time I feel like doing this—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	6. Caught in the Act at Last!

**A/N-Ok, we're back again. The girls have each hit the open road—at varying times, of course. So, we'll join up with Vince, back at the Giant center—back in Hershey, remember? However, before we get started-On a personal note- I feel the need to say something. And, I'm going to post it on my profile, too, but I'm sure you've noticed by now, that I LOVE using racial and sexual orientation humor in my stories because, personally, I just feel that racial humor is one of the funniest around and it takes a "REAL" person to laugh at it—everyone's just too damn SENSITIVE, nowadays, anyway. It seems that, as soon as you make fun of the way certain races/nationalities pronounce YOUR native language, (AND YOU **_**KNOW**_** WHO THEY ARE, BE HONEST!) everyone just gets so tight-lipped and they wanna' have fucking MARCHES and anti-whatever movements—people fucking KILL me with that shit. The WORST ones, though, are the ones who try to spend every waking DAY just trying to prove that they're NOT racist—folks, if you have to try and prove it—guess what? You likely ARE a racist, dumbass! Lol Now, in case anyone takes this the wrong way, **_(there's always ONE)_** I'm not racist OR sexist—I just don't feel I have to PROVE it, is all—besides, I do this shit in the name of laughs… Ok—rant over, let's roll…**

* * *

Vince is sat behind his desk surfing porn and suddenly, his office door comes crashing down. He jumps and yells, "AAGH! Linda? What the FUCK?!"

Linda Smirks and enters the room. Vince blinks and asks, "Linda, why—why'd you kick my door down? I mean…really?"

Linda smiles and answers, Oh, it wasn't ME, Vincent."

Vince, already not in the best of moods, simply because he's horny, asks, "Well who the HELL IS it, then?!"

"Ohhh…it's our new pet, darling one."

Vince, confused, asks, "New pet? I never said we could get a new pe—"

Linda cuts him off, "—Uh, no, he's actually MY new pet."

Vince looks toward the doorway Linda's standing in and JUST notices Linda holding a chain-link leash in her hands.

Vince asks, "What the—"

Linda whips the chain and yells, "HYAAAAH!"

Just then, JACKIE FUCKING CHAN walks into the room, at the other end of the leash! He's ass-naked, in nothing but a spiked collar, a leather chastity belt, and a pair of period-red-colored high heels.

Vince points and his eyes widen in shock. He stammers, "WHAT THE—YOU'RE Jackie CHAN! Linda, who the HELL gave you permission to purchase Jackie Chan? Do you know how much that motherfucker COSTS? Put him BACK, NOW!"

Linda simply stands in the doorway, smirking. She asks Jackie, "Oh Jackie, what do we do when our hubby yells at us?"

Jackie points to Vince's cherry-wood desk and chops it in HALF, with one thrust of his arm!

Vince, startled, shoots up from his seat. He can stand, now—since he got scared a bit, his boner sinks like the titanic—only without the violin guys.

Linda calmly asks, "Now, Vince. I want the truth—did you send the divas on a beer and porn run?

Vince starts to get defensive and answer, but Linda cuts him off, "—Uh, before you answer…darling, remember—the truth will set you free, and if you lie, my 'pet' here will set your head free from your neck."

Jackie stares at Vince, points to him and says, "Vince, your days of beer and porn lun are OVER! You are to honor your wife and love her! lemember you ledding vow!"

Vince raises his arms in a peace gesture, however, all the while, he's glaring at Linda. He angrily says, "You think you have me, don't you? Well NO ONE gets the best of Vincent Kennedy McMahon!"

Linda sighs and says, "Look…honey—all I wanted was some SEX last night, and all YOU did was stay up all night, watching porn!"

Vince rebuts, "Well, perhaps maybe if you ASKED me if you could watch it WITH me, things just MIGHT be a bit different! You ever think about THAT, Linda?"

Linda rolls her eyes and answers, "As sure as your name is what it is, you KNOW I'm not into that bullshit!"

Vince looks at Jackie and asks, "SEE? That's the problem tight there! She doesn't wanna' spend any TIME with me!"

Linda answers, "Why is it that every time we get a chance to spend time together, it's always doing something YOU want to do?"

Vince answers, "you wanna' know WHY, Linda? It's because I'm Vince McMahon, dammit! And I OWN this shit—ALL this is MINE!"

Jackie interjects, "Rell' Vince, your wife leally want to spend TIME with you, you should honor her lequest! You should sreep wit' her and make her feel safe!"

Vince, dumbfounded by Jackie's answer, replies, "Are you KIDDING? SLEEP with her? Did you know that we're going on our 9th mattress this MONTH? Huh? Oh-oh…did you know that my body has ACTUALLY gotten USED to frolicking and rolling around in cold PISS? Huh, tough guy? Did you know that I fucking CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP, wanting to KILL myself after we have SEX?"

Linda rubs her nails on her blouse, smirking and shaking her head, while looking at the shine on her manicured nails.

She finally says, "Vince, you haven't answered what I asked you—DID you send the girls out to get you beer and porn?"

Vince looks at Jackie and then at Linda and purses his lips in anger. His eyes widen and he growls, "Yes I DID, Linda! They're gonna' get me what I need—as a MAN! And the winners will be the new Women's tag-team champs—like it or NOT!" He looks at Jackie in disgust and commands, " And YOU—PUT SOME GODDAMN PANTS ON!"

Linda sighs and says, "Vince, I've had enough of this. You know, for YEARS, I've been hearing rumors of you sending the employees out on this 'quest' to get you beer and porn—"

Vince interrupts, "Sometimes it's liquor, dammit!"

Linda continues, "Whatever! Now, I FINALLY **CAUGHT** your ass in the act! And, ya' know what else? It's gonna' be like this—YOU'RE gonna' fuck me—right here on THIS VERY DESK, and after we're done, you WILL come with me to Steph's house, You WILL come shoe-shopping with me, you WILL buy us a new mattress, and you WILL buy me a box of my favorite douche—PEACH PASSION—"

Vince whines, "Nooo…NOT 'Peach Passion'—you KNOW that shit gives me a headache when I smell it!"

Linda shakes her head, "I don't care WHAT it gives you! Oh you WILL eat MY potato salad to-DAY!"

Jackie folds his arms and asks, "It's just as she say, Vince. You RILL eat Rinda potato sarad to-DAY! Would you rike for what happen to door to happen to YOU?"

Vince looks at the both of them in helpless anger. After a few moments, tears start to well up in his eyes. Linda smiles and says, "now…Jackie—clear the desk!"

With one swipe of his arms, Jackie knocks everything off of Vince's desk and it accidentally causes Vince's porn page to be lost! Vince looks at his laptop laying on the floor with a blank screen and screams, "NOOOOOOO! I was in the middle of my internet porno journey! I was…fuckin'…60 clicks IN! The website I was at had naked JAPANESE women squirting TITTY milk on each other and TASTING it, dammit! It was erotic as HELL!"

Linda shrugs and starts unbuttoning her blouse.

Vince backs up a little and continues, "That site was so Asian, that the site address was in THEIR letters. It was, like, THEIR letters, circles, flowers, and a house…dot-COM! Do you know how hard that shit was to GET?"

Linda's eyes narrow a bit and she says, "TAKE me, you animal!"

Vince curls his upper lip and looks at a STILL almost-butt-naked Jackie Chan and then back at Linda. He says, "You two won't get away with this. Mark my WORDS—YOU TWO WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS!"

Jackie stepped forward and commanded, "Vince, be a MAN—suck your rife TITTY!"

Vince resentfully answers, "Look PAL, I don't HAVE a 'RIFE titty'—why can't you people pronounce it CORRECTLY?"

Vince starts hesitating again and Jackie asks, "What is long, Vince?"

Vince shakes his head, as tears have started to form in his eyes. Linda finishes unbuttoning her blouse and vince discovers that she isn't wearing a bra. Vince inches up toward her chest and dry-heaves at the smell. "Ugh, DAMMIT Linda! Don't you fuckin' WASH those udders you have?"

Linda simply says, "Stop wasting TIME, get started, bucko!"

Vince whines, "But…but the underside of your tits smell like…fuckin…fuckin' MILK carton juice!"

Jackie, tired of Vince wasting time, suddenly pushes Vince's head into his wife's chest and rubbing it in.

Vince is yelling, but it's muffled, Linda grabs a _Time_ magazine from the bookshelf in the meantime and smiles and moans in enjoyment of what Vince is, ahem…doing.

* * *

_**So, we'll let them continue to work out their marital issues for now and , since I don't want this chapter to be ALL Vince and Linda, We'll join up with a Funkadactyls and Molly, as they're talking about some good times they've had over the years. Not to mention, we also appear to have caught them in the middle of a conversation...**_

Cameron and Naomi look at each other and then back at Molly. Cameron asks, "THAT'S COO', BUT…UMMM…WHATTHEFUCK DOES THAT GOT TO DO WITH WHAT **WE** TALKIN' BOUT'?"

NAOMI ASKS, "WHAT?, SO YOU WAS **PLAYIN'** BLACKJACK, OR SOME'FIN?"

Molly replies, "Oh NO!"

Cameron furrows her brow and asks, "WHAT YOU MEAN 'OH-NO'?"

Molly peacefully closes her eyes and smiles. She answers, "No, no, noooo…father used to ALWAYS tell me NOT to call it 'black jack'. HE always said we're to REFER to it as 'african-AMERICAN jack' He said that someone may…what was it that he said?—oh yeah—he said that one of **you** people may 'buss a CAP in my ass'—whatever THAT means. Oh, but father is sooooo wise!"

Naomi and Cameron look at each other and START to get offended but Naomi whispers to Cameron (hell, can YOU believe they ACTUALLY know how to WHISPER?lol), She says, _"Look, we can't get mad at Molly, she just a naïve idiot doin' what her racist daddy __**told**__ her to do, you dig?"_

Cameron nods and whispers back, _"Yeah, we gonna' have to set li'l miss Molly straight. This bitch ain't right."_

* * *

_**Ok, I'm ending it here this time. I have a day off today, but I'm fucking TIRED right now and really can't think of anything else right now, anyway. So, I'll catch you all next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!**_


	7. Business Conversation and Mating Rituals

_**A/N—Yeah, yeah, I know it's been a while between updates, but remember—I'm not back "full-time", here. So please, forgive me, lol. Anyway, last we left off, Vince was FINALLY caught by Linda! Not to mention, Linda apparently had purchased Jackie Chan! So you ALREADY know, with THAT said…we have to rejoin Tamina and AJ as they're making their way down the PA** turnpike._

* * *

Tamina turns to AJ and says, "GOD, I hope we win this thing, here! "

Aj nods and says, "Yeah, we'd be fuckin' AWESOME as the WWE womens' tag champs!"

Just then, AJ's cellphone starts ringing. The all-too-familiar tone of "Real American" blaring through the air as Tamina snickers a little and says, "Hehehe…'Real AMERICAN'? Hulk HOGAN'S theme song? For REAL, girl?"

Aj shrugs and smiles. She says, "What can I say? I'm a Hulkamaniac till I DIE, dude!"

Tamina smiles, shaking her head a little.

Meanwhile, AJ looks at the phone display and doesn't recognize the number—not to mention, it's an area code that begins with 310—California. She thinks to herself and she knows that normally, when a phone number pops up that you don't recognize, you let it go to voicemail. _"Not THIS girl, hahahahaaaa!_" She thinks to herself.

So, she answers the call. She listens for a brief moment and looks at Tamina with a puzzled expression on her face.

Tamina, now curious, whispers, "What's up, girl?"

_**Hey, let's say WE listen to AJ's call AS WELL AS the thoughts on her mind as she's talking? Yeah—LETS!**_

Aj: Umm…Hello?

**Upset male voice on the other end, which, hereafter will be simply known as "voice":** _Hey ANGELA, what's goin' on?"_

AJ, of course, KNOWS that her name isn't Angela, but she continues anyway…: Uh, hey, what's up with YOU?

**Voice:** _Ah nothing much, hey, I just got an email about the budget! The budget was SUPPOSED to be $15,000, WHY is it only $10,000, now? I'd like to know whatthehell's goin' on!_

AJ's eyes grow bigger as she glances over at Tamina. Tamina's looking back between AJ and the road, with curiosity on her face.

AJ, IMMEDIATELY seeing the potential for some fun, just shrugs and accepts her apparent role. She thinks to herself, _"Ok AJ, FOCUS—You're Angela, there's a budget, it was $15,000, now it's $10,000! And no one's happy about it. Just go with it, go with it!"_

Aj thinks, _"Hm, I don't know much, so hell, I'll just say it back to him."_ Aj: $10,000?, the budget was **supposed** to be $15"

**Voice:** _Yeah, well I just got an email and now it's 10!_

Aj, now TOTALLY playing along: Hey man, I don't know what to tell ya' I'm on the road right now and I-I haven't even SEEN the email."

**Voice:** _Are you BEHIND this? Did YOU send it out?_

AJ thinks to herself, _"wow…giving Angela some attitude, right? I mean, really. Like, there is NO WAY I'm taking that!"_

Aj: Listen bro, the budget was $15,000, we had a couple of expenditures , it went up to 16-2, I re-WORKED it, got it down to 14-7, we had 300 to play with, I called it 15, and sent it out.

**Voice:** _YEAH, WELL NOW IT'S 10!_

Aj's eyes light up and she smiles. She holds her chest in excitement and whispers to herself incredulously, _"Oh my GOD, that WORKED!"_

She thinks to herself, _"Ok, stay focused, staaaay focused! Ok, I can't even ENJOY this—I can't laugh because now I'm in the MIX with this shit, here! I mean I'm LITERALLY IN it—just IN it."_

**Voice:** _Did LARRY ok this?_

AJ thinks to herself, _"wow…__**now**__ he's throwing LARRY at me."_

Aj: Ok look, I TOOK it to Larry, Larry said it looked fine. But I knew it was my ass on the line, so I took it to Jen, just in case. She said it looked good, so I sent it out.

**Voice:** _YEAH?, WELL __**NOW**__ IT'S 10!_

AJ thinks to herself, trying to keep from laughing, _"This guy has no IDEA what's going on over there! He hasn't talked to Larry, he hasn't talked to Jen—hell, I just made HER up! And CLEARLY, he has not spoken to Angela."_

**Voice:** _Listen, what are we gonna' DO about this?_

AJ: Look bro, I'm on the road right now, I haven't seen the email. Why don't you call Larry, check in with him, see what's going on, and give me a call back?"

AJ raises an eyebrow and glances over at Tamina. She thinks to herself, _"I'm TOTALLY 'throwing the fishing line out', here—PLEASE say 'yes', because that return phone call is going to be AMAZING!"_

**Voice:** _Ok how about this—we wait till YOU get home, you check out the email, you call Larry, and then you call ME back?_

AJ: No, no, dude…Larry knows WAY more about this than I do—give him a call and then call me back.

**Voice:** _Ok, then._

He hangs up the phone and AJ clicks the phone off on her end, as well, smiling with such a devilish grin that Tamina can't HELP but be curious about.

AJ is in her seat EXPLODING with euphoria.

Tamina asks, "What was THAT all about?"

AJ replies, "Tamina, there's a small business in California somewhere that's crumbling to the GROUND right now over $5000 that NO one can seem to find! NO one's talked to Angela, NO one's talked to Larry, and they don't know WHO the hell Jen is. "

Aj smiles a bit bigger and leans back in her seat, taking a deep, satisfied breath. She just says, "Excitement, my dear Tamina. Juuuuust excitement!"

Aj says, "You know what? I think I'm gonna' save that dude's number!

Tamina answers, "aww, c'mon AJ, don't do thaaaat."

AJ says, "No, no…I'm gonna' SAVE his number…let's see…I'll call him 'RANDOM guy'."

So she types in "random Guy" on her i-phone and saves it.

Tamina smirks and asks, "Really? 'RANDOM guy'?"

Aj nods, "Well, yeah. He WAS just some **random** dude that called my phone by mistake, but I wanna' have s'more fun with this, I wanna' see where it leads!"

Tamina smiles and says, "AJ, you KNOW you're wrong for doing this."

AJ waves her off, saying, "Oh, C'MON girl—this shit is FUN! It's like I have my OWN little SOAP opera, here! Besides, in a couple days, I _**might**_ just call that guy back—you know, touch base, see where we're at?"

Tamina laughs, "Hahaha…oh ,you are WRONNNNG, girl!"

_**A/N—Oh yeah, there WILL be a followup to THAT conversation in a few chapters, lol.**_

* * *

_**Ok, let's join up with Kharma and Aksana…**_

Kharma Asks, "AJ, -ERR, KHARMA MEAN, **AKSANA**-YOU EVER WIN WOMEN TITLE?"

Aksana, NOW using her newly-learned "cookie monster" voice so that she can supposedly speak better English replies, "UH, NO…BUT AKSANA, WILL BE PART OF WOMEN TAG CHAMPS ONCE AKSANA AND KHARMA WIN RACE!"

Kharma smiles and replies—of course , in her USUAL Cookie-monster voice, "AH, AKSANA ENGLISH ALMOST GOOD AS KHARMA! KHARMA PROUD OF AKSANA!"

Aksana smiles and answers, "AKSANA FEEL GOOD TO BE KHARMA PARTNER! HEY KHARMA, SETH ROLLIIN OF SHEILD KEEPS TRYING TO SEE AKSANA TITTY!

Kharma furrows her brow and answers, "SETH ROLLIN SOUND LIKE PERVERT! YOU CAN STOP HIM—WHAT YOU DO—YOU-YOU-YOU-YOU-EEEEH…YOU TAKE CAN OF ROACH SPRAY AND NEXT TIME YOU'RE IN LOCKER ROOM, YOU SPRAY HIM IN EYE! HE WILL KNEEL BEFORE YOU MIGHTY PRESENCE IN SUBMISSION BECAUSE ROACH SPRAY BURN EYE! HIM PEEP NO MORE! M"

Aksana nods and asks, "HOW KHARMA KNOW THAT?"

Kharma answers, "EASY, WHEN KHARMA HAD MATCH WITH BIG SHOW, HE KEPT TRYING TO CHOKESLAM KHARMA BY KHARMA TITS. KHARMA PULL OUT CAN OF BUG SPRAY FROM BRA AND KHARMA SPRAY HIS PERVERTED ASS-AND SHE ROLL HIM UP FOR PIN!" KHARMA LOVE PIN—JUST LIKE H, DE' TRIPLE! ONLY KHARMA HAS NO REFEREE!"

* * *

_**Ok, hmmm…I wonder how the Bellas are faring?**_

Brie asks, "So, you can STILL see normally even WITH those sunglasses growing on your face?"

Nikki answers, "Absolutely, sis, you know I have to sit down to take a piss!"

Brie nods and says, "You know, I REALLY hope you decide to DUMP his trifling ass!

Nikki rolls her eyes, "Look I want to MARRY him, I can't help it if fat people go to the gym!"

Brie says, "But sis, I'm just concerned about you. You shouldn't be…be…RYMING your lines like this. It's not NORMAL!"

Nikki smiles and replies, "Aww…I love you sissy, If people don't get enough sex, then they'll be all pissy!"

Brie rolls her eyes and sighs to herself, just exasperated by her sister's condition.

Brie mumbles to herself, thinking Nikki can't hear her "I SWEAR, when we get back home, I'm telling daddy to SHOOT that low-life Cena!"

Nikki DOES hear that comment and replies, "Hey, don't tell DADDY! I wanna' go to KFC and eat a CHICKEN patty!"

* * *

_**Ok, now let's visit Natalya and JoJo…**_

Natalya's singing, "…50 bowls of Hart Dynasty surprise on the wall, 50 bowls of hart Dynasty surpriiiise, -c'mon, sing ALONG with me, Jo!"

JoJo has a slightly dejected look on her face as she reaches for a CD—ANYTHING to take her mind off of…UGH—"Hart Dynasty Surprise".

She puts the CD in—and listens for a few seconds, the music blares and it's Bret Hart's theme song!

JoJo says, "Heeeey…I've ALWAYS liked his theme song!" She turns up the volume on the speakers.

Natalya answers, "Yeah, totally—I've always thought it was badass! But, this is sort of a 'remixed' version that I had a DJ do for me at a party one night—check it out! It even has my uncle Bret on it!"

JoJo asks, "for REAL? Bret's on here?"

Natalya smiles and nods, "Yeah, it's awesome—oh-HERE's the part!"

Jo Jo listens, bopping her head to the rhythm of Bret's theme song. When Bret's voice comes over the CD—he's actually RECITING the recipe for "Hart Dynasty Surprise" and NOW it's echoing throughout the car!

JoJo whines, "NOOOOOO!"

Natalya, with a worried expression on her face asks, "What's wrong, sweetie?"

JoJo reaches for the volume knob, trying to turn the volume down, but it breaks off in her hand. Wide-eyed, she looks at Nat. Nat smiles sheepishly and says, "Uh, yeah…remind me to get that fixed."

Meanwhile, Bret's voice is coming over the speakers, _"Yeah, and THEN you take 3 cups of cinnamon…"oooohhhh yeah, babe!"_

JoJo tries to eject the cd from the player and the cd comes halfway out, but goes back in, somehow.

JoJo glares at Natalya and asks, "SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY?"

Natalya shrugs and says, "Ummmm…remind me to get that fixed.

Wow, they are STUCK hearing Bret Hart's old theme song as he voice-overs the recipe for Hart Dynasty Surprise at a rather loud volume in the car!

* * *

_**Alright, let's join in with the Funkadactyls and Molly in their ass-car, as they appear to have made a wrong turn, somehow…**_

Molly looks around and just sees wilderness. She asks, "Umm…how'd we get here?"

Cameron answers, "HM…FOLLOWIN' 'DIS FUCKED-UP GPS SYSTEM!"

Naomi replies, "LOOK YOU, TWO, WE'LL BE A'IGHT…A'IGHT? JUST GIMME SOME TIME TO FIGURE 'DIS SHIT OU!"

Basically, their car looks like a giant black ass sitting in the middle of a field of grass.

Molly pulls out a map and says, "Guys, I think we might've accidentally pulled into ZooAmerica. Umm…yeah, I think so!"

Naomi answers, "WHA'CHU TALKIN' BOUT CRACKA'? WE AIN'T IN NO ZOO'MERICA!"

As the girls argue about their whereabouts, suddenly, they feel a huge "bump" to the rear of their vehicle.

The girls all jolt forward and yell, "WHOAAAA!"

Cameron asks, WHAT IN THE FUCK WAS THAT?"

Naomi shrugs and answers, "OWW-NO, GIIIIRRRRRL! BUT IT FELT LIKE IT CAME FROM 'DA BACK!"

THIS time, they feel ANOTHER bump from the back…

Cameron, turns around and asks, "MOLLY, IZ 'DAT'CHU DOIN' 'DAT?"

Molly, feeling yet another forceful bump answers, "No, it's not ME! Whaoaa!

Tow, the bumping gets rhythmic and continues, with each bump, the girls keep yelling, "WHOOOOAAAA, WHAT THE FUUUUUCK?"

The rear-view mirror falls to the floor as the powerful bumping continues. Molly quickly picks it up and angles it to look out of the back. Naomi asks, MOLLY, WHAT THE HELL IZ' DAT'?"

Molly looks and her eyes widen. Cameron asks, "MOLLY, YOU SEE SNYTHING, GIIIRRRRRL?"

As Molly's holding the mirror, the bumping grows even more intense and everything in the car is shaking violently in rhythm to the bumping. Molly answers, "you guys aren't gonna'—WHOA!—LIKE this, but a BUFFALO is trying to MATE with your CAAAAR!"

Cameron and Naomi yell, "WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!"

Molly, being shaken violently, herself, answers, "A BUFFALO IS HUMPING YOUR CAR—RIGHT IN THE…ASS!"

All the girls are yelling, "WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA…" to each thrust given by the animal.

Cameron yells, "AAAAAAAAAAGH, SOMEONE HEEELLLLLLLP—WE'RE BEING FUCKED, AND I CAN'T GET OUUUUUUUT!"

Just then ALL girls yell "AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGH!"

For all intents and purposes, their car looks like a giant black ass in the middle of a field being taken doggy-style by a bison…you're welcome.

.

**A/N-Hey, Al, here. Have any of YOU ever thought about answering a phone call made to your phone by mistake? You should try it, someday, you never know, you might just have fun, lol! But anyway, with that, I'll leave it here for today, hopefully the girls will find a way out of that situation. We'll see, lol.**

* * *

**Lol, hey, Thanks for joining me this time. How about you join me NEXT time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!**


	8. Shopping and a Brewing Rivalry

**A/N—Yes, I know…I know—it's been a while since my last update. Well, I had shit to do, s'all. Well, anywho, I'm back with another chapter—or as some of you call it—a "chappie". Ok, last we left off, Funkadactyls and Molly were getting a first-hand experience of the mating ritual of the mighty buffalo. However, right now, we're going to join up with Aksana and Kharma, as they're approaching the city of King of Prussia—a well-known shopping haven en route to Philadelphia. OH—in case you forgot, Kharma, who, naturally, sounds like Cookie Monster-or Dikembe Mutombo (take your pick) has been giving English lessons to Aksana, so now Aksana (in HER voice) now has a Cookie monster-ish type voice, just like Kharma!**

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Kharma turns to Aksana and asks, "HEY, DOES AKSANA SEE MALL OVER THERE? THAT'S WHERE KHARMA BUY HER WRESTLE BOOTS!"

Aksana answers, "NO AKSANA NEVER SEE THIS MALL BEFORE! IT LOOK VERY EXCITING TO AKSANA! ME THINK WE SHOULD GO GET SHOES!"

Kharma replies, "UM, KHARMA NOT SO SURE—IF KHARMA AND AKSANA BUY SHOE, IT TAKE UP LOTS OF TIME AND WE HAVE TO GET PORN AND BEER FOR MISTER MCMAHON TO BECOME WOMEN'S TAG-TEAM CHAMP!"

Aksana glances over at the mall as they pass by. Her eyes start to well up with tears and she pleads, "PLEEEEEEASE, AKSANA NEED SHOE, AKSANA NEED SHOE!

Kharma hesitates and lances at the mall and then back at Aksana, who has a puppy dog-soulful-eyed look on her face. Finally, Kharma sighs, checks her watch, and says, "OK, KHARMA PULL OVER SO AKSANA CAN GO TO MALL—BUT AKSANA BETTER NOT BE LONG! COME ON—ME GO WITH YOU!"

So, Kharma parks the…um vehicle, and both ladies head into the mall and, right away, a pair of gold-colored, glittery stilettos catch Aksana's eye.

Aksana smiles and points to the shoes, jumping up and down in excitement as if she's a kid in a toy store who just found her favorite toy, or something.

"OOH, OOH, OOH—AKSANA WANT THESE, AKSANA WANT THESE!"

Just then, the saleslady walks over to Aksana and smiles, saying, "Hello, welcome to Macy's—can I help you with anything today?"

Aksana, very proud of her recently-learned English grammar, confidently replies, "YES, YOU MAY HELP AKSANA—SHE NEED THIS SHOE IN SIZE 5!"

The lady shoots a slightly confused look at Aksana and asks, "Ok, well…where's Aksana at?"

Aksana replies, "AKSANA RIGHT HERE! AKSANA RIGHT HERE!"

The saleslady laughs a little and answers, "OHHH…so YOU'RE Aksana? No offense, but do you realize that you refer to yourself in the third-person? I mean…just sayin'."

Aksana, too excited over these shoes, just replies, "AKSANA LOOK GOOD IN THESE—SHE WILL IMPRESS BOYFRIEND, TOO! HE-HE LOVE TO SEE AKSANA DO STRIPTEASE WHILE HE JERK OFF USING MAYONNAISE! IT MAKE BOYFRIEND'S DICK TASTE LIKE TURKEY SANDWICH!"

The saleslady gives Aksana an incredulous look, as if she couldn't believe what she just heard. The lady replies, "Um…uh, yeah—size 5, right? I'll be right back."

As the lady scurries to the back, another customer apparently overheard the conversation that just ended. She turns to Aksana and Aksana makes eye contact. Aksana smiles and starts singing to the lady, "AKSANA'S BOLOGNA HAS A FIRST NAME—IT'S O-S-C-A-R, AKSANA'S BOLOGNA HAS A SEC-OND NAME—IT'S B-I-G ASSED-BALLS! HAHAHAHAAA!"

Meanwhile, in another part of the store, Kharma apparently has found some shoes that she likes. She's seated in a chair and her saleslady is trying with all of her MIGHT to get the shoe on Kharma's foot.

Panting, the saleslady asks, "Excuse me, ma'am, but are you SURE you're a size 4? I mean—this IS a size 4 and it's not even making it past your ARCH! Besides, your big TOE—it-it looks like a…a…fucking MOUNTAIN!"

Kharma, slightly insulted, replies, "HEY, HEY NOW—KHARMA KNOW WHAT SHE DOING! KHARMA BEEN SIZE 4 SINCE SHE BE 12 YEARS OLD! NOW PUSH, SHOE-LADY!"

The saleslady shakes her head, wondering how to make this work. Suddenly, a thought hits her. The saleslady says, "Ok, I THINK I have an idea, miss!"

The lady leaves momentarily and walks out of the store to the gym across the way. Kharma sees where she's headed and wonders to herself, checking her watch.

Kharma asks herself, "DAMN, KHARMA HOPE THIS NOT TAKE TOO LONG."

Kharma looks at the transaction across the way as she sees her saleslady trying to convince some bodybuilders to help her out, apparently. It didn't take long because the saleslady has enormous tits and she flashes the personal trainers! They look at her, then at each other, smile, and then shrug, giving each other a thumbs-up in the process. The saleslady leads them over to where Kharma was seated. They all back up and the saleslady yells, "OK, ON THE COUNT OF 3! 1…2…3!"

They all run toward Kharma, who has her leg sticking straight out, and give the shoe a forceful push, which, of course, knocks Kharma's chair backwards-but she finally manages to get the shoe on! Amidst the pile of people, Kharma emerges with her new shoe fitting rather firmly around her foot. She stands up and looks down at her shoe. The exhausted saleslady asks, "So, *_pant*_what *_pant*_ do _*pant*_you think?"

Kharma tilts her head to the side and sheepishly answers, "HM…KHARMA DON'T KNOW—ME WANT TO TRY ON ANOTHER PAIR…PLEEEEEEASE?"

The saleslady and the 4 personal trainers all look at each other and just faint. The saleslady is on the floor and she mutters, "Oooh…they don't pay me enough for this shit….honestly."

Meanwhile, Kharma is smiling brightly at the fallen group as she sits back down. She squeezes her ankle and the shoe pops off like a cork from a champagne bottle on New Year's. A man across the store hears the "foomp" noise and sees the shoe coming and pulls his wife out of the way as the heel of the stiletto makes a hole in the opposing wall in the store.

Kharma smiles and just says, "OOPS, KHARMA SORRY! WHERE SHOE? WHERE SHOE?—KHARMA WANT **THAT** ONE!

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**Ok, we're done here, so let's join up with Natalya and JoJo, as they're ALSO headed into King of Prussia…**

JoJo rolls her eyes a in frustration and asks, "Nattie…WHEN can we stop LISTENING to this CD? I mean, DAYUM—it's only BEEN fuckin 45 MINUTES! I mean—I'd RATHER hear _'Roar'_ by that Katy Perry bitch. God only KNOWS they play THAT damn song to death!"

Nattie smiles and says, "Ohhh…it'll be ok! These things just have a way of healing themselves! Hey, I bet if you had another helping of my 'Hart Dynasty Surprise', it'd make you feel better!"

JoJo's eyes momentarily widen as she hurriedly replies, "Uh…oh no—I just COULDN'T! I mean—you workd SOOOO hard to make it—I couldn't POSSIBLY—"

Natalya cuts her off, "—Oh, it's no problem! I keep an emergency supply in my glove compartment!"

JoJo thinks to herself and points to the glove compartment. She asks, "Um…yeah—um…how long has that been IN there?"

Natalya cmiles and says, "Well, it's been in there for 6 months, now. Oh, it's still good! It's as good as it was when I first pulled it out of my a—er, I mean, when I first MADE it—yeah, THAT'S the ticket!"

JoJo, changing the subject just leads in, "Uh…yeah. Hey, you know that 'Summer Rae' chick they're replacing me with on our show?"

Natalya's smile almost IMMEDIATELY disappears. JoJo sees this and asks, "What's wrong? Something I said?"

Natalya's lips purse noticeably and she simply replies, "I hate that bitch."

JoJo, a bit taken aback by Nat's frankness, smiles a little and asks, "What? Did something HAPPEN between you two?"

Natalya pulls a pair of pliers from her tights and cranks up the volume on her stereo, which, if you recall, the knob was broken off in the previous chapter, AND which STILL has Bret Hart's theme song playing as he voice-overs the recipe for "Hart Dynasty Surprise." NOW it sounds like Bret is YELLING the recipe—"._..3 **MORE** CUPS OF CINNAMON, YOU JACKALS! 4 MORE CUPS OF VELVEETA! 5 MORE POUNDS OF RAMEN NOODLES, 3 MORE CUPS OF BROCCOLI AND APPLES…"_

JoJo angrily plugs her ears with her fingers and tries to grab the pliers from Nattie, who, as she's DRIVING, is doing a masterful job of playing keep-away.

JoJo, frustrated, asks, "How in the hell are you DOING this?, _**I**_ have two hands FREE and **you're** DRIVING!"

Natalya smiles and simply replies, "Oh, my Uncle Owen taught me this when I was a little girl! Yeah, you see, Davey Boy smith would always be trying to eat Owen's caramel corn and Owen was VERY good at playing keep-away—I remember one time, Davey tried to take Owen's crackerJacks, but it was all a setup!"

JoJo asks, "A setup, what do you mean?"

Nat replies, "Yeah, Owen took a box of boric acid and put a blank sheet of paper over the front and sides of it and wrote 'Owen's caramel corn' on the front of the box, hahaha…Well, Davey Boy wasn't the brightest, let's just say—and he saw the box and just BLINDLY picked it up, opened it, and swallowed the contents!"

JoJo, concerned, asks, "Oh no—did you take him to the hospital?"

Natalya smiles and answers, "What? Fuuuuuuck no—my uncle Owen said, 'let his ass WALK! And tell his ass to stay out of my damn POPCORN!'"

Nat continues, "So yeah—you REALLY aren't getting these pliers, babe. Sorry!"

Just then, JoJo saw Natalya put the pliers down the top of her singlet. Jo thinks to herself and reaches over quickly, trying to get the pliers out of Nat's singlet.

Natalya almost loses control of the car. She exclaims, "WHOA, BITCH—WHATTHEHELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? THAT'S MY FUCKING…NIPPLE, YOU ASSHAT!"

Jo replies, "Look, I'm JUST trying to get the damn PLIERS! And I didn;t know you were so COLD-you nips are as hard as pencil erasers!"

Natalya answers, "Well, it's not EXACTLY 80 degrees out-it's fucking 12!" She sighs and thinks for second and then calmly goes back to JoJo's original question, smiling and asking, "So, you were asking about Summer Rae, honey?"

JoJo, just now remembering, "Uh…YEAH—what's with you and Summer?"

Natalya resumes her anger and says, "Well—I caught that little heifer trying to seduce my husband! Yeah, she actually CAME OVER TO MY HOUSE, JO! Yeah, she came over in NOTHING but her wrestling gear and kept telling my husbanc that she'd "like to have a title match with him" and she was EATING up MY 'Hart Dynasty Surprise' all…fucking…SEDUCTIVELY off of her spork that I was generous enough to even GIVE her ass!"

JoJo replies, "Wow…I didn't know."

Nat replies, "Yeah…she was eating it and slowly licking it off of the spork while making eyes at MY HUSBAND! Look—Hart Dynasty Surprise is NOT to be eaten or USED like that—it is MY specialty! And I was pissed at HIS ass, too! His dick was fucking rock-HARD! He had such a pitched tent that it looked like something you'd see at a fucking CAMPSITE—except…if-if your tent was made of denim, or domething."

JoJo nods and says, "Wow…I'm sorry, Nat."

Natalya, still upset, replies, "Yeah, so fuck that rotten bitch, I hope she burns in hell!"

JoJo, amazed seeing THIS side of Natalya just slowly turns ad looks at the scenery out of her side of the car.

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**Ok, I'm cutting it here today. Yeah, I know it's been entirely TOO long since I last updated, but I PROMISE—I'll update more regularly from here on! I mean, since this will be the shortest "Grapefruits" adventure, it'd stand to reason there's no WAY this should be taking THIS long. But, again—although I'm writing again, it's only on—what? A Part-time basis. Glad you asked. Oh, if you're wondering about the Funkadactyls and Molly-they're still trying to get out of ZooAmerica, lol. As far as AJ and Tamina, the bellas are doing fine-like a well-aged glass of wine (as John Cena and NOW Nikki would say, lol), and That phone call that AJ had will be followed up in the next chapter. Take care! Don't drink and drive and don't try to eat when you're on the toilet, either-I mean, really-how the hell can you push AND swallow-THINK about it, people!**

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I'll catch you next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


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